


of nukes and goats

by doingthewritethings



Series: two teens and a buttboy [1]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Accidental Farm Animal Acquisition, BegONE THOT, Gen, Goats, Humor, ITS 3 AM AND IT SHOWS, Intergalactic Warfare, and i think i was high last night, as one of my friends said, based loosely off that one episode of andy griffith, but apparently marvel owns my soul, but it’s apparently happening, crackish tendencies, gonna have to learn to fiddle to get it back, i don’t Know how i feel about this series, i have ever produced with my own two hands, i thought i was free of this fandom, its 3 am why am i doing this, i’m supposed to be doing homework, maybe? - Freeform, me looking at my writer’s block:, or should i say, really minor black panther spoilers, shuri and peter are friend goals, shuri: the spiciest memelord, the most blursed thing, the next part of this is gonna be angsty whoops, this borders on crack, this is it!, this story reminded me how bi i am???, this was supposed to be angst????, two teenagers being teenagers, update: its noon, why has no one thought of peter and shuri being online friends!, “porn without plot without porn”
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 21:30:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13749624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doingthewritethings/pseuds/doingthewritethings
Summary: As Tony find out, it’s hard to say no to teenagers who burst through a window into your lab and tell you they have made a grave mistake. (“We?” says Shuri. “There’s no ‘we’ in this mess, Pete.”)or, the one where Peter Parker buys a farm animal on a whim, and it almost leads to intergalactic doom.





	of nukes and goats

**Author's Note:**

> i thought i was done with the marvel fandom considering it was my first internet fandom four years ago but GUESS WHAT i’m back on my bullshit! and i’m here with a fic bc i saw black panther on saturday and it was So Good and then i went home and watched homecoming for the first time and i’ve been reading fic all day for them and i haven’t posted anything since like what? august? 
> 
> so Here I Am. 
> 
> this was mostly written at three am and is of highly questionable quality, but i’m sure the fandom will love it anyway.

Shuri is awoken at four in the morning by a phone call from Peter.

This in and of itself is not a strange occurrence. She’s gone back to Wakanda for some sort of pretentious ceremony that her mother requires she attend and her brother gets to skip, so Peter not registering the time difference before he presses the call button is common.

What is not common is the panic in his voice when he picks up. She’s awake in an instant, pulling her already-braided hair back into a ponytail and thankful she still has her own room.

“Shuri! Oh my God, okay, you’re in— You’re in Africa. Crap. How fast can you get here?” In the background, a goat bleats.

Shuri blinks awake even more. “Pete. What the actual hell?”

Ever since Shuri moved to America to oversee the tech being distributed to people in need, she’s been spending more and more time with Peter. It’s nice being around people on her level, Stark and Banner and the like, but at the end of the day, she’s sixteen. Adults, especially ones constantly concerned with the fate of the universe, aren’t always the most interesting to talk to.

Best friendship with Spider-man and relation to Black Panther should prepare her for anything, really. Right?

“I impulse-bought a goat and now I think he might kill me.”

Wrong, apparently.

“Ri! What do I do?”

Not having had remotely enough coffee for this, she grabs the glass of ice water on her bedside table and downs it in one go. It doesn’t do much. “Please start from the beginning.”

“So, you know how I go to the farmer’s market with MJ on Thursdays?”

She nods before realizing that he can’t see her. “Uh, yeah.”

“Well, I was trying to find some of the raspberries that May wanted me to pick up, and there was this livestock seller, but something about him seemed, I don’t know, off? The only animal he had left was a goat, and I’m a bleeding heart, right, so I ask him how much he wants, and the answer is five bucks. Five dollars! For a goat!”

“That’s a steal, my man.”

“I know! So I get the raspberries and the goat and leave, and I’m halfway to the apartment before the fact that I still have patrol tonight hits me. And I can’t, like, leave the goat in my room. He would eat my homework. I spent years on that. And I didn’t have time to swing by Petco.”

She rolls her eyes, knowing the homework in question took Peter maybe ten minutes to finish, but lets him continue.

“So I decide to bring him with me on watch. What could go wrong, y’know? If anything, the sheer element of surprise that is granted to me by carrying a goat will make up for it. There’s this guy, you know the one, that I’ve been chasing down for a while.”

“The vertigo one?”

“Yeah! Yeah, his name is Spinstress. Or Wyatt. Depending on who you ask. So he’s been stepping up his game lately, and Mr. Stark promised that he would check in on him, but the guy shows up on my watch with this big-ass rock that’s glowing bright red and starts monologuing.”

“The worst thing to do,” she says solemnly.

“Exactly, can’t stand it. But he’s going on about how with one wrong move, he can blow the entire Earth into pieces, igniting a nuclear winter the likes of which has never been dreamed of. I shoot my web at him, but he’s really not prepared for it, so he jerks his hand back, and the thing goes flying.”

There’s a silence, and she thinks he might have disconnected. “Pete?”

“I’m here. It went through the air, and clattered over on the side of the roof.” He sighs. “And then, the goat.”

She nods slowly, not following. “The goat.”

“The goat ate it.”

He pauses. She pauses, feeling the world tilt around her because there is no way he’s saying what she thinks he’s saying.

“The goat just ate the fucking nuke, Ri. Like it was a tin can. Or whatever goats eat that aren’t weapons of mass destruction.”

A laugh bubbles up inside her before she can stop it.

“Shuri! You’re not helping!”

“Sorry! I’m sorry,” she says, still cackling.

“They’re gonna kill me! This isn’t funny!”

“This is hilarious!” She sucks in a deep breath and composes herself. “Okay, alright. What do you want me to do about it?”

“Like I said. How fast can you get here? There’s gotta be a way to counteract the effects, but I need your help to do it.”

“This is considerably worse than you asking for help hiding a body. The answer’s about five hours. See you at my place.” She hangs up before he can continue, puts on her tennis shoes, and makes her way softly over to the door to steal her brother’s plane.

* * *

 

Exactly five hours later, Shuri is wrapping a deep blue hoodie tighter around her body and knocking aggressively on the door to her apartment. Peter has the spare key, and hers is on her bedside table some 7,000 miles away. Winter is in the air, and the city wind bites through her pajamas. The cup of coffee she made on the way here isn’t enough to dim the chill in her bones, especially considering she’s just in the tropical warmth of Wakanda for the past week.

The door flies open, and she sees that Peter is pacing the ceiling. She also sees a goat, fat and content and sitting on her favorite couch cushion. He’s unremarkable, brown speckled with white and horns curving backwards.

“What’s his name?” she says, for lack of anything better to say.

“He doesn’t have one.” He doesn’t stop pacing.

“His name is Buttboy Beebis now.” She scratches the goat under his chin; he smells like hay.

“No!” Peter says, with a strangled noise that’s a mix between a laugh and a scream.

“Yes. Say hello to your father, Beeb.” She turns the goat around, his square pupils looking up at Peter.

“I’m not ready to be a parent,” he mumbles.

The goat screams, and Peter falls off the ceiling.

“What do you even feed goats? There’s got to be a Wikihow out there somewhere for this.”

They’ve been there for almost an hour, brainstorming ways to rid Buttboy of any and all possible alien technology, when there’s a blinding flash of white light. A man dressed in a purple mask and a sleek cardigan smashes through the door.

“Stay back!” says Peter.

“You will bow to my omnipotent might!” says Spinstress.

“Look what you did to my sofa, you asshole!” says Shuri.

She’s on her way to deck him in the face when Peter grabs her and the goat and shoots out the window, leaving a furious supervillain in the dust. They swing over the city, the sun dipping low in the sky.

“Where are we going?” she asks.

“To get help,” he replies, visibly trying not to freak out.

“You know, you could be better at this whole superhero thing.”

“Shut up.”

* * *

And that’s how Peter, holding a very excited Shuri and a very indifferent goat, bursts through the window of Tony’s personal lab while cursing at the top of his lungs. The glass shatters around them, scattering through the room and sending papers flying.

“Holy shit, Mr. Stark, we messed up—“ Peter continues.

Shuri twirls as soon as her feet make contact with the ground, as usual, looking at all the new yet inferior tech Tony has managed to create.

He blinks back at them, wearing an oil-stained tank top and holding a monkey wrench over one of his newer suits.

“Is she pregnant?”

Peter flushes a deeper shade of scarlet. “No!”

His eyes slide to the left. “Is the goat pregnant?” The animal in question snuffles around Tony’s prototypes before bleating in surprise when it receives an electric shock.

Shuri rolls her eyes. “No, but he’s a weapon of possible mass destruction.”

Tony takes a deep breath, and they explain to him in hurried half-sentences what their day has been like.

“Well, okay! No problem, I’ll just get the thing out, and then we can put it in containment—“ he says, holding up a knife.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa— hold on. You’re not killing Buttboy Beebis!”

There’s a blank pause. Tony has to physically step back for a second and process the words that are coming out of his protégé’s mouth. “What?”

“You can’t kill him! He’s in a room with three geniuses; there’s got to be some way to, I don’t know, fix him!”

Tony takes a deep, steadying breath. “Peter. We can’t risk the safety of billions of people for a pet.”

Shuri steps up to him, eyes locked on his, cold and calculating. “Tony,” she says in a way that sounds like she’s talking to a child, “you’re not killing the damn goat.”

He takes a step back. “Okay?”

So that’s how the three of them come to be performing intricate surgery on a possibly apocalyptic goat, precisely when T’challa decides to show up.

He storms through the door, posture magisterial and eyes blazing. “Shuri! You didn’t even leave a note, Mother has been panicking all morning and I’ve had to search the entire country looking for you—“

As she opens her mouth to argue, the loud and unmistakable noise of metal on metal fills the room.

T’challa looks at Tony. Tony looks at Peter. Peter looks at Shuri.

Slowly, they all turn to look at the goat.

Buttboy looks back, blinking slowly, unfazed.

T‘challa pauses. Notices the scalpel. Realizes that he is in way over his head. Closes the door slowly back.

Tony shakes his head. “I’m not dealing with him this time. He’s your brother.”

Shuri groans and walks into the hall to do damage control.

* * *

“So you’re telling me,” T’challa says, feeling a headache coming on, “that this animal could kill us all.”

“Yes.”

“And Tony is trying to remove a powerful weapon from its ribcage.”

“Tony is succeeding in removing a powerful weapon from his ribcage!” yells Tony.

“I need to sit down,” says T’challa. “I can rule a country, but I can’t corral my little sister.”

“To be fair, it’s an intimidating task,” says Peter, who is back on the ceiling.

There’s a wet noise, and Tony gasps in surprise. “Got it! Got it, got it. Wow, this is some advanced stuff, I’m impressed. Looks to be Asgardian.”

Shuri laughs, and T’challa glares at her with no real heat and an immense amount of exasperation.

When Buttboy is stitched up and slowly coming out of his drug-induced trance, Peter looks at him consideringly. Shuri is very familiar with that look. “What’s up?”

“I think I know a way we can work this out, but Mr. Stark, Mr. Panther, I’ll need you two to run interference.”

Shuri hands T’challa the remaining half of her sixth cup of coffee.

”Consider it done,” says Tony.

(They put the goat on the roof, Shuri loitering until she gets the attention they want.

Spinstress realizes this was a trap in the three seconds it takes Tony to get him in handcuffs.

“You’re going away for a while, Wyatt,” says Peter.

“Fuck you!”

Tony makes a disapproving cluck. “Now, now. There are children present.”

Buttboy the goat looks on.)

* * *

 

Later that night, after all is said and done, Peter and Shuri lay on her bed, playing video games. She always wins, but he says it’s the effort that counts, making some excuse about reflex training. Buttboy sits between them, chewing calmly on some grains.

“Glad he didn’t turn out to be a fainting goat,” she says, aiming the blue shell at Peter’s virtual car.

“Amen to that. You going back home tomorrow?”

“Mhm.” She pauses. “Hey, Pete?”

“Yeah, Ri?”

“You wanna come back to Wakanda? It’s boring as all get out, and you’ll have to ask your aunt, but I could use the company.”

There’s no reply, and she looks over at him.

“Really?” he says, and she swears she can see the stars in his eyes.

“Really.”

“Can I see your lab, is there tech you need help with, will you check out my web shooters, there’s something going on with them, do I get to be your escort to the ball, I mean not like _that_ , but like, do I get to meet royalty, will they be okay with it, will I have to get the platonic bucket talk from your brother—“

She laughs. The screen flashes blue, signaling that she won. “It’ll be fun.”

“Can Buttboy come?”

She grins, looking over at him. “Absolutely. We could use a little more chaos at our royal functions.”

She stands up, stretching every muscle in her body like a cat. He stands up too, holding out his hand like a sophisticated count. “Announcing the one, the only, Shuri, with her humble prince, BBB.”

She takes his arm and curtsies, putting on the voice she uses for being polite at social gatherings to people she would rather never interact with. “It’s my pleasure, good sir.”

The next day, they both get on T’challa’s plane and head back to Wakanda.

He lets them bring the goat.

**Author's Note:**

> https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/b/b2/Hausziege_04.jpg/1200px-Hausziege_04.jpg 
> 
> here’s a picture of beebis. for reference purposes.
> 
> this was going to be titled nuclear goat-tastrophe but i couldn’t do that without spontaneously combusting on the spot.
> 
> as always, comments are my life and breath, and feel free to hit me up @doingthewritethings on instagram!!


End file.
